Werewolf the Podcast: The Final Finale of the Brawl in the Flipping Hall! (Episode 193) (Part Seventeen)

So we return to the 'Brawl in The Hall!!!!'. I promise for the final time. We had no idea that we would take so long to get to this point, but no one could ever accuse us of knowing what we were doing. In this day's episode, we try to understand why Angel Gabriel was such a cheating swine. Gods will? Seems legit. 

We will then find out why he stepped in to rescue our Werewolf and the Professor. Why would he do that? Listen to another anti-climatic episode and find out. Who enjoys a climax? No one I know...

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Transcript

So here we are... Wil.

Wil?

mhmmm!

Wil!

What sorry?

Can you put that down and get to the work in hand, please?

What? This? Put it down? No, it's one of those books. It has a Detective Wolfe in it.

Eh. A Wolf?

No, his names Wolfe

It's one of those books. You know?

What the...

You know, one of those books that you can't put down.

Well, you bloody have to.

It's great, honestly, you'd love it. Horrortastic.

Wil, we are supposed to be doing a bloody episode, man! Erm... werewolf.

(Pause)

Who's it by?

Hmm!

Who's it by?

Oh... sorry. It's called The Women Without Eyes. Wait a moment; let me just look at the author. Micah Castle. Published by Grendel Press. It's bloody good.

Give it here.

Hey... I'll be getting that back at the end of this. We will be having words. Okay, here we go.

So we are at the final finale of several finales, 'Drum roll please?' 

Brawl in the Hall!

Finale. We have finally been witness to a fight of the ages between two of the erm, well, big ones, I suppose. The world's mightiest beings. The mightiest beings of many worlds. 

We had the Gormant, an ancient evil being. I suppose defining him as evil is wrong. He just is. He just does nature's things with boiling hot rock and high pressures. Hmmm? He tends to just make things pour forth and go bang. A fascinating job, I am sure you will agree. 

He's a bit like a rock barista brewing lava. I suppose. However, he does not have a man bun, grandfather shirt, victorian waistcoat, an ironic moustache and a neck tattoo of something irritatingly contrived. Hmm! Just make the £7 coffee, you arse biscuit, and don't you fucking dare give me oat milk in my coffee. You can't milk an oat, you fecking vega... 

Ahem.

The results of the Gormant doing his thing are presumably seen as evil outcomes by humans, not by Geography, though. I think Geography would see it as a good thing. You know, you are making more of it with the lava and stuff. I mean, you are making more geography, and unlike normal Geographical time, it happens really quickly. Sometimes, things happening really quickly can be good. I mean, not in everything we do. You know how it is sometimes if you finish too quickly. It makes it sort of awkward. You know. It's not your fault. It's been a while, maybe, and you know, just... Erm.

Ahem

Sorry. Where was I? The Gormant. Oh, oh, oh, and he is currently making his way in the modern world as the light entertainment heavyweight Noel Edmonds. Well, he needs a break from causing earthquakes and volcanic eruptions, so making weird daytime TV programmes and the infamous Gameshow for the Fae allows him to chill or cool his heels. Or whatever. Yeah, he needs some cooling at times. Whoever thought of Mr Blobby needs his head sorted out, though. What were they on?

The other fighter on the night was the one and only Arc, or is it Arch Angel Gabriel? You know the one. We have met him a few times in this Soap Opera of horror comedy. He is... well, he is... You know... The Angel. Handsome chappy, the kind of guy who is arrogant because of his Arc or archangel privilege. I mean, he can't fail right because he is who he is. If your Dad was God, you could be arrogant and not realise. He is probably one rare being who can threaten you with his Dad, and that threat has really unwarranted consequences. Do you know what I mean? If he says he is going to get his Dad around to beat you up, then there is not a lot you can do about it, is there? Could you fight God? Oh, I know you could say you don't believe in him or her or them or whatever ever, but at the end of the day, if he actually arrived at your door, a bit annoyed, what could you do about it? It's not like the Mormons or anything, where you just close the door and go back to masturbating, feeling a bit more guilty about touching yourself, is it?

Ahem

During the 'drum roll' please,

Brawl in the Hall

He had done a lot of bad things. Things that you would not expect of an Angel. To be honest, it was a lot of fun to watch. You know the dirty tricks. That's part of the reason to watch things like professional wrestling, is it not? 

I am sure it was not a lot of fun to be on the receiving end of the cheating, but it was a lot of fun to watch. There had been swift kicks in the crotch and the use of illegal weapons such as stools, curses, holy water, kittens and things. You should go and listen to it. It was somewhat of an incredible wheeze, as our Professor would say.

But! The Gormant, even after facing the onslaught of the cheating bastard that the Angel was, had managed to get Gabriel on his knees and ready to finish. Ewww! That sounded wrong, ready to finish. Get it like... you know... finish in the sexual gooey way... 

No, it was not like that, though. It was a violent sort of finish that the Angel was going to get, and although the rumours about our Gabriel were rife about his predilections and tastes, I was sure that this violent ending would not be the sexual gooey way for him to finish. Maybe this finish, in this instance, would be goey, you know, blood snot and all that, but not sexual... Am sure. Am I... Yes. 

The Angel had cheated like a knave of a cur; he had lost. It just shows. Ungentlemanly actions lead to devastating what's it... Karma, that's the chap. Karma. 

To help the Angel, the Devil had released her most feared demon army on the Gormant. They had ripped and torn the creature made from burning rock into tiny pieces and a red puddle. It had been very difficult to watch, but the Nannies and the kiddies at ringside were the usual bloodthirsty mob, so they had enjoyed the previous grievous bodily harm that the Devil had worked. 

I know it is strange that the Devil helped out the Angel, and I don't know whether or not she knew why she was doing it. Although if you listen to the Rumours. No, not those ones about... erm, the Angel's proclivities, the ones about the Devil and Gabriel having a fling of sorts that may answer the questions raised. Aren't they supposed to be brother and sister?

I have no idea how Angels work, Wil.

Anyway, a gentleman should not comment on such things, but... The Devil, or as known to us, Luci, released the Kittens of Doom from her handbag. 

Right, where were we? Yep, Gabriel won, sort of. 

The aftermath.

Wil and Fen.

Well, the Angel has covered the puddle that was the Gormant with his body, and Bozzy, our genius genie of a ref, has counted out the match. The Angel has won. A lot of the audience is cheering, and a lot are booing. It was a weird thing that happened today because there was no defined baddy in what happened in the fight.

Yes, Professor, it was strange that they both turned out to be bad. Who would have thunk it of the Angel. Does he believe that it is okay to do anything to win? Is that okay for a being such as him?

It seems he does not give a flying feck, Wil. Although the bottles, glasses, bras, erm seats erm, small children, and dogs that are being thrown into the ring by our sour crowd might tell him that it was not okay.

It seems that the crowd is now starting to leave the Hall.

Yes, they are leaving... Erm.

Yes, they are definitely trying to get to the car park first to unpark their whippets and ride them home. Small fights are breaking out in the lines leaving. 

Yes,

Yeah,

Erm.

Erm.

Erm... oh, her ladyship is... not there anymore. Hmm?

Erm

The Angel is just slumped on his stool in the ring. Paul Daniels and his cornermen are wafting him with a wet towel.

Oh, what does the wafting do then, prof?

Erm... I don't know, really. It would annoy me, but I have my professional fighting days behind, so this must be some modern, new-fangled way to help the athlete recover. 

We could always go to Albert Sackcloth, our ringside expert, and ask him about the wafting. 

You're right. We could, but we're not. He is as dumb as a bag of badly gutted fish guts.

Ah, okay

Yes.

Erm.

Well, what do we do now? 

Erm. I don't really know. I suppose we wait for the next horrible thing to happen.

Oh good, Bozzy is calling us over to the Angel's corner. Let's take a microphone. Maybe this will be an interview for the decades.

Hello, Gabriel, erm don't get that on the microphone, I have to use it too. Come on; someone wipe that off his mouth... that erm, yuck. Tell you what, here's my sleeve. Let's just clean that face... there we are... Jesus, I take it back that face needs hiding. Anyway, how do you feel after winning the fight?

'As is right, justice and right prevailed in this fight. I thank the lord, my father, for getting me through this. There is only one God, and he was there for me. I get down on my knees and give him my thanks for getting me through this.

Right... erm, how did he help exactly? I mean, we were watching, and he did not, erm... seem to arrive or do anything. 

No, I think that you will find that whatever happened today in this place was defined and designed by God.

Erm... was it? Really? I mean, is he going to be happy with the cheating you did?

What cheating?

Well, you did the gormant him in the bollocks erm stones and break a stool across the back of his head. Could you wait a minute... let me check the rules? Oh, yes, those things were completely illegal.

Only God can say what is right or wrong. Who are you to question him?

Well, I wasn't really asking him about it; I was asking you...

I am his righteous voice. I speak his words and follow his instructions.

< Whisper> I hope he is not as thick as you.

What was that?

I said yes, I suppose that is true.

O... K... So he beat the Gormant then.

No, I did. 

Was God here?

He is everywhere, blasphemer!

Right. Erm, Okay... To be honest, it's still quite difficult for me to get my head around. Erm, so God the greatest and goodest told you to cheat and kill someone?

No, he would never do that... blasphemer! 

Alright, easy with the blasphemer. Such a word of non-consequence would not usually hurt me, but from you, it makes me feel bad.

But I say here. Look, I am pointing to this particular clause in this particular rule book. The crotch can not be knocked about during a knocking a bout.. bout?

Who attacked his crotch?

Erm... You did. You kneed him right in the... wotsits... the cajones... the bollocks, right in his spiritual leg fork, mate.

I think if we look back at the film and if we asked members of this audience what happened. I think they would show and say that he tripped, slipped, and landed on my knee by his own clumsiness. 

Okay,<whispers> you're talking bollocks.

What was that?

I said that explains him being hit in the bollocks.

Oh, yes.

And hitting him across the back of the head with the corner stool? How do you explain that, or should I say how did God do that?

Oh no, that was me. I hit him with the stool. That had nothing to do with my Dad. I just had the opportunity to hit him with it, so I did. 

So, not God, then?

Of course, it was God; I am his glorious right hand. Anything that I do is by the grace of God.

So you are his strong right hand, then?

Yes!

<whispers> So what do you do when he has a wank then?

Pardon?

I said that we know who to thank then.

Erm... did you notice how the Gormant was dismembered?

Yes, my father was kind enough to send one of his great plagues to help me. 

A great plague?

Yes.

He... sent a plague.

Yes.

He sent it?

Yes.

A great plague.

Yes, are you stupid or something?

< Whisper> Not as thick, mad and brainwashed as you.

What was that?

I said erm... erm... erm. 

<Whisper> Shit, I can't think of anything to rhyme with what he just said.

Yeah, I'm a bit stupid, 

So, God sent a plague of killer Kittens to help you, then?

For Dad's sake, yes!

I have to say, old chap, that it really was not. 

It was... I saw him.

Did you see God release a plague of kittens?

Yes.

Erm... It was Lucifer. 

No, it wasn't.

Well, it was old chap. We have had the technical bodies in the truck to find the moment of the release of the plague.

Shall we watch it together?

So we see Luci rise to her feet with her handbag. You agree that's Luci.

< Whisper> According to the rumours, you should know her biblically well.

What?

I said you know her from the Bible. She's the Queen of Hell.

Ah yes. I recognise her well.

< Whisper> No shit.

What? You need to speak up, man.

I said, her from the pit.

Ah, yes, that is her.

And you see her open her handbag and release the kittens out of it. You can see that, then?

Yes.

It was not God then?

Of course, it was. Who do you think sent her?

< Whisper>You are a blithering fool, a prannock of the highest order.

What did you say?

You are a blithering fool, a prannock of the highest order! Shit! I did not mean to repeat that.

Hey, you realise I am the Angel Gabriel, don't you? You can't talk like that to me?

Well, apparently, I can, but I am changing the subject because this is getting us utterly nowhere. I will ask you another question. 

Why did you come and fight the Gormant in the first place? And if you say anything like God sent you or I followed his divine guidance or any bullshit related to him, then... it will... go badly for you. I don't know how I can hurt you, but I will. I will blaspheme on purpose or something. 

Okay, there's no need for that. Keep a civil mouth, Simon. You have been contracted to us for another few centuries, so I was just protecting our asses... not, not our asses, our assets, that's it, which means protecting your assets or your fine ass. Erm... not fine, just your ass.

Hmm! Making more Rumours.

What?

Do you think that we would let you get out of your contract by having your soul and body destroyed?

Erm?

Well, we won't. That was just rude of you, to be honest. So let's have no more of this nonsense and get back to saving the world and things. You are pretty good at that, even with that Werewolf bastard with you.

In fact, sadly, that werewolf bastard helps you an awful lot, which is a shame. If his and that werewolf soul of his were destroyed I personally would be extremely pleased. I mean, I don't hold grievances, but he is a... well, I have already said it, bastard.

So that is it, then?

Is what it?

All those episodes that got us to this point. That's it?

Yeh. 

Right, what do we do now?

Well, in the Christmas episode 181, you sang karaoke in the Faeton Arms. Can you not just do that now? I mean, it is going back a few episodes, but it would keep the timeline however complex these damned writer people, and they are damned, I can tell you, make it correct. So I suggest that you go to the pub. 

So wait, the holiest being is telling us to follow God's orders and that he wants us to go to the pub?

Erm... yes, I suppose he is.

So we can go to the pub and get drunk and sing karaoke by the order of God?

Erm... yes.

Now, there is a God I can believe in. Come on, Wil, old chap. Let's get the three of us down to the pub. I've always wanted this opportunity. I hope you get the reference.

We are on a mission from God!

The Blues Brothers. Nice!

Does that mean I can get my book back now?

Sound effect of a thrown book.